1. Alabama (7-0) – Despite unremarkable play from first-time quarterback Greg McElroy, Alabama is able to compensate with meticulously executed play by elite athletes disciplined by guru coach, Nick Saban. A stifling defense led by 350 pound (and change) nose tackle Terrence “Mount” Cody and legit Heisman running back candidate, Mark Ingram, has the Tide of Crimson poised for another SEC title bout with The boys from the ‘Swamp’.
2. Florida (*5-1) – No, the University of Florida was not caught supplying its football players with steroids (Barry Bonds Hall of Fame times, ya’ll). When you open up the USA Today tomorrow, I can assure you of two things; you are going to read about Barack Obama’s displeasure with the ‘deceptive and dishonest’ health insurers and you are going to see a 6-0 Florida Gators team atop of the 2009 inaugural BCS rankings. Excuse my subtle, perhaps unnecessary, possibly overstated, interweb flair, but I love me the asterisk, and felt an opportune time to use the dwindling glorious piece of typography. Tonight, Florida lost to Arkansas 23-16-7 (Our Kansas – Florida – the Officials). Call me crazy, but I would venture to say that Urban Meyer is suffering from AIDS – aids/referees who bend over backwards to ensure (I have used assure, insure, and ensure in this blurb…damn, I’m naughty by nature) that the University Florida scores more points in a sports match than the opposing academic institution.
3. Texas (6-0) – Colt McCoy is regressing, boys and girls. Maybe, he’s getting bored of the spread offense that hasn’t produced a quality NFL quarterback dating back to that masterful opening scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which I swear I have never dawned so greatly to be a man. Whatever. Anyway, Texas is rolling along as per usual – looking at another lopsided Big 12 championship against some decent, yet considerably inferior team from the North division. Texas can thank Sam Bradford for the victory, preserving its chance at the BCS title game. I want to write more, so I’m just going to say that 6th year senior Jordan Shipley is college football’s favorite senior citizen. He should be downing prunes and winning bingo tournaments in due time.
4. USC (5-1) – The University’s children will not be spoiled after the major win at the Quarreling Shamrocks. Giving people an excuse to occupy the ramshackle grounds of South Bend, Indiana, USC preceded its annual trip to Buffalo Wild Wings, South Bend’s fabled landmark, by massaging Jimmy Clausen’s toe to a tapered 34-27 win, which probably would’ve resulted in a loss, given Clausen’s 2nd half momentum. Deficient in classiness, proficient in skills, Southern California sports a squad loaded with future NFL talent and illegal benefits – I’m looking at you, Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo.
5. Boise State (6-0) – Very few people know where the town of Boise is located. I’m not one of them. More importantly, the Broncos are showing The Smurfs who’s boss. Unbeaten and reppin’ the illustrious, unique blue turf, Kellen Moore is making defensive backs see red. Should finish the season 12-0 with a shot at the BCS title game.
6. Cincinnati (6-0) – John From Cincinnati was a God-awful TV show…so awful that God actually sympathized with those who felt the insatiable desire to replicate Jesus’ crucifixion. Live on Youtube. Cincinnati football is making up for that travesty. It beat a previously undefeated South Florida team on the road, even without Tony Pike for nearly a half.
7. Oregon (5-1) – Oregon didn’t play this week. The Ducks will be visiting UDub and overrated draft prospect, Jake Locker, next Saturday.
8. Virginia Tech (5-2) – Virginia Tech played like virgins in tha A-T-L, getting brutally pwned (raped?) by Georgia Tech’s running game, to the tune of 309 yards on the ground. Even though he threw 2 pickoffs on Saturday night, I like what Tyrod “T-Mobile” Taylor has done the last three weeks, complementing the effective defense very well.
9. Miami (5-1) – Thug U gets a nice break from brutal matchups with four straight top 20 teams to kick off the season – Miami celebrated in Kool-Aid after its monumental win against academic powerhouse Florida A&M – haha, Kool-Aid; I bet that went completely over your head – Jay Kay Raw Full. Tonight, they made the arduous trek to the University of Central Florida and did not lose.
10. Oklahoma (3-3) – This ranking may make me look like a product of fecal-alcohol syndrome or inbreeding, but that’s okay. I won’t judge your fetal-water syndrome or ex-breeding. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated. It’s the platinum rule. OK. Oklahoma has three losses away from home against Mormom University, Thug U, and the Horny Longhorns. Landry Jones’ overwhelming amount of playing time in those aforesaid games rivals the number of people in Norman, Oklahoma who think that Rosa Parks is First Lady. The real First Lady is Michelle Obama, but don’t tell people in Norman that. By First Lady, they’ll think you’re talking about the First Lady to overdose on fried chicken and collard greens. Not my fault. I’m not the unrefined ignoramus.
11. Iowa (7-0) – Undefeated out of the Big 10.
12. Georgia Tech (6-1) – They run well.
13. Penn State (6-1) – Blue Royster Cult always wins.
14. TCU (6-0) – Teeseeyu. Sounds like a Pokemon. Undefeated with wins at Virgina and Clemson.
15. Houston (5-1) – Victories at Oklahoma State and Texas Tech at home.
16. LSU (5-1) – Mediocre offense. Classic oppressive SEC defense. Sounds like slavery.
17. Oklahoma State (5-1) – No Dez Bryan and Kendall Hunter. Not good. Mr. Robinson is still under center, though.
18. Ohio State (5-2) – “Everyone does … kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me.” How enlightened, Terrelle Pryor. Garbage quarterback. Probably picked the wrong sport. Throws a football like my dead grandmother.
19. Texas Tech (5-2) – Flying under the radar.
20. South Florida (5-1) – Lost its first game against Cincy. I like BJ Daniels’ mobility. I like the defense. I love the coach – animated as can be, and literally built the program from scratch 12 years ago.
21. Arkansas (*4-2) – Beat Florida 23-16-7.
22. Pitt (6-1) – Haven’t been truly tested yet, but I like the win at the University of New Jersey.
23. BYU (6-1) – No R rated movies. Lights off at 8:15 PM.
24. Michigan (5-2) – Took a dump all over some mid-major team.
25. Notre Dame (4-2) – Jimmy Clausen is the frontrunner for Heisman, and has a heart bigger than the one inside my fridge.
26. Cal (4-2)
27. Georgia (4-3)
28. South Carolina (5-2)
29. Nebraska (4-2)
30. Wisconsin (5-2)
31. Kansas (5-1)
32. Arizona (4-2)
33. Oregon State (4-2)
34. Missouri (4-2)
35. Central Michigan (6-1)